$DUMPNALD
ContractSOON

A prophecy in free fall

DUMPNALD TRUMP

Cartoon Dumpnald Trump gripping both temples, mouth open, as a red arrow plunges behind him

He promised the biggest red candles. The chart complied.

Dumpnald at his executive desk, hands on his head, stamping papers while red arrows fall on the windows behind him
Opening Bell

At the opening bell, he grips both temples while every arrow chooses the basement.

Dumpnald Trump in a navy suit and red tie, wide-eyed in disbelief

Foretold Downturn

Springfield aired the warning years ago. Nobody filed the paperwork. Now Dumpnald reports for duty in a navy suit, red tie, and total disbelief. At 9:30 the first candle turns red. By lunch, the arrows have found a lower floor. He calls it historic, unprecedented, and exactly according to prophecy. The market calls it Tuesday.

Wish You Were Up

Dear bulls, the executive desk remains occupied and the recovery plan remains under the blotter. Dumpnald has inspected the chart, blamed gravity, and ordered another dramatic arrow for the afternoon briefing. Please forward any green candles to the lost-property office; none have been seen since breakfast.

Believe him. The candle knows.